My life as a survivor is more of a goal at this point. Some tell me I made it through the bad stuff so I am already a survivor but I am not sure if this is true. I feel I am held back by fear to much at this time to truely be a survivor. When the chains of the past are less restricting and I can move freely I will feel more like a survivor.
Now I am working this goal because it finally feels like the right time, and I want to get some more healing done in order to truely live my life as it seems to be getting antsy at the door, waiting for me to do something....or is it me getting antsy for this life that I have promised myself way to long? Time will maybe solve that riddle, if not its okay. Either way has motivated me to start doing what I know I should of been doing for way to long now.
Tonight I have picked up the books again, and I've done some work in the work bood for survivors, and I have done some reading in the book that goes with it, "The Courage to Heal". Lets hope I continue to find courage in the book. As of right now I am not feeling as strong about it as I did before I picked up the books. It makes me think and start removing some of the boxes from the closet that I have everything stacked in so nicely. Although life has little earthquakes in it so it is never truely stacked well enough is it? When you hide enough stuff sooner or later something tumbles out and its not always at the best time to deal with it. So I am hoping by choosing to do this on my own and not when my issues say I must, that I will have more control and overall gain more from it.
Anyhow I have to check in with a support person as I have promised myself I would after wrapping up whatever I accomplish for the day over the next few weeks. This is one of my safety nets so I don't become overwhelmed. When I'm lost in my emotions I scare me, because I know I am capable of expressing that hurt on the outside, being that I am a cutter. So I need to take measures to protect myself from those feelings and my self at times.
To anyone eles going through the steps to healing, no matter if its step one for the first or fifth time, of step 10 I wish you well!!! And maybe just maybe togeather we can get to a happier place in our life, when finally we open the door and say to ourselves, "welcome to my life" and start living it!!!!!
